AWAKENING!

This blog won't really be that fabulous, but I felt I should update you [the blog] on my life.

This weekend was incredible.

I spent Thursday night and all day Friday with Sarah, one of my best friends. God knew that she was exactly who I needed to be with, because just her presence alone was a blessing. She had just returned from a weekend retreat in Alabama called The Ramp, which had turned her and her boyfriend inside out and transformed them into radically charismatic followers of Christ. She was glowing--almost literally. Everything she said was something about The Ramp or about God, and we had several real theological discussions about God, life and just about everything. It rattled my world, and shook me up from my sleep.

Church was equally amazing.

Something snapped during the church service, and I finally woke up.

Then came Passion City Church, and God sent a lightning bolt of energy through my heart, and now it's finally on fire again.

I still may grow weary or doze off, but I'm fully awake now. And I refuse to drift back into that slumber I've been trapped in for so long.

It's like Sarah said while I was at her house. "I don't know what God wants me to do in the long run, but for right now, I just want to live God. I want to live God, breathe God, be in constant prayer, constantly reading my Bible, everything God."

That's what I want, too.

I just pray that I stick to it.
I know I'll stumble, I know I'll fall back into apathy, but I know my God will come back and wake me back up if I let Him.

"Awakening"
Chris Tomlin

In our hearts, Lord, in this nation
Awakening
Holy Spirit, we desire
Awakening

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

In Your presence, in Your power
Awakening
For this moment, for this hour
Awakening

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice and this is my
Awakening

Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice and this is my
Awakening

Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
From the darkness comes a light
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing

Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
Only You can raise a life
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing

Proverbs 3:5

This blog won't be very long.

I don't understand why God still loves me.

Honestly, I don't.

I've just completely turned away from Him these past few months.

Not because I'm living some crazy out-of-control life,
not because I'm completely rebelling against Him,
but I cannot deny that there is a distinct defiance.

I complain constantly about my pain until there is none, then I never thank Him for taking it away.

I indulge in myself until I can't find anything to satisfy me, then I whine that He hasn't given enough.

I cling to people so tightly, and when they let me down, instead of turning to You for comfort, I shout angrily of Your cruelty and unfairness.

I'm so unbelievably selfish.

I relate to so many people in the Bible all at the same time.

I feel like the nation of Israel, betraying God over and over again.
I feel like Jonah, running away in my shame, being swallowed by own huge fish.

I feel like Gomer, constantly prostituting myself to everything and everyone BUT God.

I feel like Peter, denying Jesus with my heart, then hearing a rooster crow of my wickedness.

My God, who have I become?

Why am I treating You this way?

I need You back.

I need my joy back.

Enough putting my hope in people.

Enough putting my faith in myself.

Enough putting my trust in worldly things.

Enough leaning on my own understanding.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart;

Do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in ALL that you do,

and He will show you which path to take."

Help me, Father.

"I need You now.
I need You more than ever before..."

--

January 13, 2010

I can't take this anymore
Is this what this is for?
Tested tried and wasted
Not a single lie I haven't tasted

Is that where I am?
Is this what I've become?
Where are You now?

I don't feel You anymore
I can't see what this is for
This lonely suffocation
For which there's no justification

Are You still there?
Your voice has disappeared
Where are You now?

I couldn't hear You anymore
So that's what this is for
A little blood to numb the pain
Isn't it such a shame?

Are You ever coming back?
I miss Your loving touch
Where are You now?

I won't listen for You anymore
I don't want to know what it's for
Another test for me to fail
No one there to pay my bail

I'm lost
I'm broken
I'm missing
I'm searching
I'm losing
I'm crying
I'm dying...



And in the silence
I hear a sound
A clap of thunder
Rain pours down
I look to the sky
Then fall to the ground

Beloved...
You are mine.
Come back to me
I never left you
Nor will I ever.
Your pain pushed me out
I was always with you
Come back to me

I don't feel the pain anymore
I know now what it was for
Your Love brought me out of the dark
Now it's time for a brand new start

Vacation Insomnia?

You know what's weird?

I'll tell you, whether you asked or not.

It's weird to be in your bed in a condo on the beach at 12:25 in the morning writing a blog. It's weird having to stay up when you're absolutely exhausted, trying to figure out why your soul won't let you sleep.

What is it that needs to be expressed so urgently that sleep must be postponed?

Whatever it is, it had better be worth it once it gets here.

Tonight was an existential night.

Jackson would be so proud of me for using that word.

But the weirdest part is that it shouldn't be, because we drove to Orlando from near Tampa to see the Blue Man Group and their amazing randomness and talent and ate at Bubba Gump, one of the most random restaurants ever established. Tonight was filled with fun and laughter and randomness. It was amazing.

But something happens when it's dark and quiet, and you put in your headphones and listen to soft music on your iPod.

"My Love" by Sia.

It's from the Eclipse soundtrack. Yeah, I'm a dork, but this song is beautiful.

I don't even know what it's about yet, and it's incredible.

Listen to it and you'll see what I mean.

But now I have nothing to say.

There's so much going on in my head that I can't sleep, and yet I can't type out all that my brain is buzzing about.

Ugh, I'll just type something good anyway.

Life is short.

I don't know if you realize that, or if you've thought about it recently, but it is.

Life is short, precious, and it's the only one you've got.

Sometimes it takes gazing out across the ocean or staring up at the night sky, but you need to be reminded of how small you are.

It's so intimidating and yet so beautiful to fully embrace.

Think about it.

Take a few minutes and just breathe in and out and realize it.

Crazy isn't it?

I think a vacation was exactly what I needed.

Closures & New Beginnings

Here's a summary of camp this year. I found this verse last week and instantly fell deeply in love with it. It's almost as if I wrote it myself, but it was in fact David.

Psalm 73:21-26
"Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant--
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to You.
Yet I still belong to You;
You hold my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
I desire You more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
He is mine forever!"

So many amazing things happened at camp.
My life has been completely turned upside down, making a drastic u-turn from the way it was headed only a few weeks ago. I had just gotten to the point where I didn't care anymore, and it was awful. I had no interest in praying or spending time in God's Word. I didn't even want to go to camp at all, but God obviously had other plans.

God worked on me in many ways. He worked on my patience. He worked on my joy. He worked on the way I love people, and how I express that love. He worked on my pride, and on every weak point I have. Above all other things that He did this week, there's one thing that I still can't get over...

IT'S OVER!
I've forgiven her!
I've let it all go!
I laid all the hurt, the pain, the anger, the bitterness all down at the cross, and I've never felt so free! It's amazing! Sure, it still hurts a little when I think about it, but I don't cringe whenever I see her! I don't hate her anymore, I only wish things had ended differently! The difference is amazing and I'm so happy! How crazy is that?

Sunday was the closure I needed. When I saw everyone from camp again AND worshiped to the song that we sang at camp AND witnessed a sixth baptism, I was hooked.

Father, I'm back.
I'm home.
I'm right here beside You and that's where I want to stay.
I know the road is narrow, and the opposing current is strong, but You're so magnetic and I refuse to let go this time.
I will shine for You and I won't let Your light burn out!
Nothing will stop us now, Father God.
Take this heart and make it Yours forever!

I concede, my Love, that I need Your love
I'm before You, a broken [wo]man
And it's only You, no substitutes, who can renew this soul again...
I feel revived again
I am alive again
Burning for You
You got me lifting and lifting--You lift me up!
I feel revived again
I'm energized again
Burning for You
You got me lifting and lifting--You lift me up!

Needs.

Wow, it's blog time.

That fasting week was...eh.

I feel like I kinda cheated. I picked the week of finals to fast from the internet. Whoop-a-dee-doo! Doesn't everyone fast from the internet during finals week? Or at least, shouldn't they? I didn't do it for God. I did it because I knew I wouldn't have studied otherwise.

I'm not trying hard enough.

In fact, I'm not really putting much effort into at all.

And, funny, I'm the one who's suffering the most from it.

I'm about to dive into something that completely goes against every fiber of my being.

I'm giving up texting for a week.

GASP!! AMY IS DOING WHAT!?

Yeah, you heard me.

I need a Sabbath. A real Sabbath. I need rest. I need rejuvenation. I need silence. Most of all, I need to reconnect with my Abba.

Am I cheating again by making it the week of camp?
Maybe.
But the thing is, when else would I ever be able to do it? God knows I'm already pushing myself way harder than I normally would to give up my phone. I would give it up completely if I wasn't a leader, but restraining from texting, even to my own boyfriend is already a stretch. And with Tyler still in Texas (he's able to text again, thank God!), it'll be even harder to resist. But this is between me and God. I want this more than anything--I want to reconnect with my God again. I want this summer to be like summer of 2008--the closest God and I have ever been--but even better! Even stronger!

Plus, I need to forgive her.

I've held this grudge for so long now, and yet it still feels as if it just happened yesterday. The pain is ridiculously raw, and I want to forgive her and move on with my life, but I can't. It's awful. I want the pain to go away. I've prayed the prayer of forgiveness, but not like I should. I need my Daddy to kiss the tears away. I need my Savior to take the burden from me so that I can be free again. But in order to do that, I need to surrender first.

I need You, Father.

--

I can finally see that You're right here beside me.

I am not my own, for I have been made new.

Please don't let me go.

I desperately need You.

Tonight's the night.

You know what?

I'm coming back to the heart of worship.

Finally.

Tomorrow I'm starting fresh.

A media fast.

No movies.

No TV.

No secular music.

No Facebook/Formspring/social networking.

Just time to get my mind sorted.

My soul mended.

My priorities straightened.

My heart rededicated.

I knew I needed to limit my Facebook time anyway because of all the tests and essays I have due, but this is also my push to see it through completely. Just for that, I may even extend it.

God and I have some wrestling to do.

Me, Myself and I

So I figured it out.

There's actually a whole boat-load of semi-logical explanations for my attitude over the past few weeks. Some have been justified with real life events and circumstances, but some have been seemingly random and unprompted. However, after days and hours of thought as well as outside opinions, I've figured it all out.

1. There's a song lyric that wraps up the first explanation: "Because on and off the clouds have fought for control over the sky. And lately the weather has been so bipolar that consequently so have I." Yep, that's me! That blog I wrote before the last one was on a rainy dreary day when I was alone during the day with no one to talk to.

2. It doesn't take a rocket science to conclude that I'm depressed because of the lack of a desperately important figure: God. I've completely pushed God out of my life. I still pray and I still read the Bible and I still go to church, but I do things I know I should not do and I cry over things that are completely ridiculous because I don't want God's help. Why? I have no idea. But finally, I've come to this horrible realization and it freaks me out to no end.

Because, now what? Do I drop everything and run back to God? What if--I'm an awful person, but I'm being honest when I say this--I don't want to? Then what's wrong with me? Am I going to hell now? Because I don't want to let go of all my junk that's holding me back from truly living the way God wants me to? Because I don't want to let go of the feeling of pain? Am I truly that masochistic? Or am I just that self-absorbed that all I want to do is roll around in self pity and worry about the one person that really matters?

You know what?
I'm going back and bolding all the times I say I, me, self, myself, etc. Let's see how bad the damage really is.

--

Ouch.

I think it's clear what needs to be worked on.

--

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
-

Better

I'm better :)

I'm not going to tell you I'm 100% better yet, because I'm not going to lie and be dishonest so that I make myself sound better than I actually am.

I'm making a choice to make today (for a lack of a better word) better.

Bold choices, right?

"If we're gonna start sometime, why not now?"

Blog Five: ...ugh.

This will probably be a random blog with random thoughts because my ADD is out of control right now because well...I don't really know why, it just is. Plus, no one reads this thing. And when I say no one, I mean that, because nobody cares anymore, and I'm actually okay with that right now because it's gonna get personal.

I'm supposed to be writing an essay on music criticism, which is the reason why I'm not going to college for a major in music. Critiquing music leads to hating music because it then becomes an obligation and a chore. Plus, of course, you have to pick it apart, piece by piece. Music is supposed to be something that one is passionate about--something of value, something that grasps attention doesn't let go. If you turn it into a job, it slowly but surely becomes a task that is required of you, and therefore is no longer as fun. You're obligated, led by guilt and necessity rather than desire.

Here I am sitting in the library with five books on music criticism on my desk, and I have nothing to say.

My passion is gone.

I know that was a crappy metaphor, but I'm not just talking about music here.

I'm basically talking about everything. Especially my faith.

My relationship with Christ has been deteriorating.

Why? What's wrong with me?

I'm slowly turning Jesus into a chore, but in a strange way.

Here's a confession:

I have an ulterior motive for everything.

I'll do anything you ask of me--whatever you want, it's yours--but usually I'll be doing it for some completely selfish reason.

For the most part, it's to make me feel better for myself. That sounds awful, but it's true. It's almost as if I'm trying to grasp a sense of Karma--if I keep helping other people and doing things for others and loving everyone, maybe God can forgive me for all the stuff I'm struggling with. Maybe God can pull me out of this hell I'm living in. Maybe God can just wipe away all the guilt, fear, doubts and depression...if I just do this one more thing...

I'm so ridiculously self-centered and fake that it's not even funny.

I may seem like I have it all together at church or at school, but it's all part of the facade. It's all part of the big act that everyone, even I myself, have fallen for.

How did this happen?

Let me emphasize: I can't stand fake people. I can't stand them. They're so obnoxious and such jokes. I hate being around them because, who are they really?

Are they your best friend, or a complete stranger? [ouch, I can't believe that's still so raw]

How can you tell who's real and who's not?

Isn't everyone putting on a show in some way?

[ random side note ] I think it's also kind of funny that a strange conversation took place at GCYC about what spiritual superpower you would like to have if you could choose one. My first impulse (after the urge to slap the one who asked me) was the ability to be in constant prayer all the time. But later on, my mom and I came up with one that sounded even better, and that would come into such handy--in our lives specifically.

I want Super Discernment.

I want the ability to look at someone and immediately know whether or not I can trust them.

I'll love them either way, but I want the ability to know without a doubt whether that person is real or not. Should I trust this person for who they are now or who they are later? I gotta know.

But since I don't have Super Discernment, who do I trust? How do I know? How can I tell?

Well before I try to pick the speck out of other people's eyes, I'm going to get the gigantic plank out of my eye. [ / random side note ]

I'm not about to sit here and tell you about how much better I've gotten about being real with people since I wrote that blog and prayed that prayer about it. It may be true, but it's not true enough. I want those chains completely gone before I can say that. I still try to get more spiritual than normal when I'm around certain people more than others. I still delve into selfish desires constantly. Like I said, ulterior motives. They work quite well for me because no one has a clue. It's perfect.

Not to be melodramatic, but I honestly don't know who I am anymore.

Which Amy is the real Amy? Is it the super spiritual one? No, because I'd feel joy in my life if I had that relationship. Is it the evil one who won't stop sinning that that's all she'll ever be? Not really that one either, because I actually do love Jesus, and I still want to follow Him, but I'm just stuck. Apathy, Satan, depression and sin have surrounded me like quicksand, and now I'm sinking and I can't get out. Do I gather what little strength I have left and pull myself out? Or do I just give up and sink? Right now, I just don't know.

For the most part, I'm deeply depressed. It's far-reaching, penetrating and heavy. I can barely breathe. There's no motivation, no true passion. I'm only happy when I'm distracted with my loved ones. But when I am alone...it's something completely different.

"Desperate for changing... starving for truth...I'm closer to where I started, chasing after You..."

"Younglife" by Anberlin

This made me cry this morning. Wonder why.

(Credit goes to MetroLyrics. I replaced all the 'brothers' and 'lovers' with 'sister' because...well, duh)

Hey [sister], do you remember when
We used to play outdoors
'Til the light was absorbed by the night?
Hey [sister], it was an innocent time
We used to laugh 'til we cried
But still [girls] on the inside
(I wanna do it again)

First time staying out all night
Last time that we got away with lies
I can hear it in the back of my mind
Over and over again
(I wanna do it again)

Late nights and early lights
Never thought it would come to a goodbye
I replay it on the back of my mind
Over and over again
(I wanna do it again)

La la la, la la la la la
La la la la la
(I wanna do it again)

Hey [sister], do you remember when
We would dance in your apartment
'Til neighbors would knock on your door?
And I remember, do you remember when
We had no money to speak of,
No where else to eat but your floor?
(I wanna do it again)

First time staying out all night
Last time you would look me in the eyes
I can see it in the back of my mind
Over and over again
(I wanna do it again)

Late nights all the time
Made a promise to never say goodbye
I replay it on the back of my mind
Over and over again

All those days gone forever
Wonder if we're gonna ever
See all our younglife friends that we made again
Have we all lost connection?
The life pulls in all directions
Memories bring us back to where we've been

(I wanna do it again)

The first time staying out all night
The last time that we got away with lies
We can hear it in the back of our minds
Over and over again
(I wanna do it again)

Late nights and early lights
Never thought it would come to a goodbye
We replay it in the back of our minds
Over and over and over
(I wanna do it again)

__

This is me not able to focus on my math homework.

And this is also me not focused enough to put much thought or effort into writing a read-worthy blog.

And this is how it's been for the past month. I've wanted to come write one, but I either don't have time or I don't have the motivation. Mostly, though, it's just the lack of mental energy.

I'm starting to get apathetic, which I remember reading once that apathy is a sin. And I believe it.

It's also an extremely bad habit to be in. Especially Amy the College Student.

"How He Loves" should be helping me right now, but I feel...nothing.

It's not that I'm depressed.

At least, not anymore.

I have been for the past...week? I think it's been that long...

Yeah, 'cause Tyler left last Tuesday night.

And it's Wednesday.

Yep.

I was depressed, now I'm just emotionless. Lethargic. Blank.

In my defense, it has been a rollercoaster of a month. Mary died, my grandma's dying, David's gone, Tyler's gone, Jackson left for a week, my mom's depressed, my brother's depressed, our church is falling apart, our whole freakin' country is falling apart, she's still being a b word, and I'm just...hanging in there. Somehow or another, I'm still breathing, still existing. So rationally, it makes sense. I'm emotionally drained from the 837438 crises happening in my life, so it makes sense to be "out" of emotion. But I know I shouldn't be like this. I'm a follower of Jesus, dang it. Why don't I feel joy? Why don't I feel peace?

It just all feels so...blank. I don't feel empty, just drained. It's not that I'm lacking Jesus, it's that I'm lacking the energy to actively do stuff for Him. Does that make sense?

God, I'm so selfish.

I'm praying that church tonight will snap me out of this...

I would start saying that there's a wall I've just encountered, but I know that there truly is no wall. I'm just on the verge of something big and Satan's throwing everything he can at me so that I'll just sit here. That's one of my greatest weaknesses: apathy, spiritual laziness. It's a sin, I know. It's also a disease that I just can't seem to escape from. I've struggled with apathy for years, on and off based on my circumstances.

"Hey, Devil, GO ON, get your JUNK out of here, I DON'T NEED YOU!"

Please help me, Father.

GCYC summary (and other random ADD thoughts)

- Slept in my own bed in room with Michaela and Lainie. Awesome!
- The very first session we sang "How He Loves". I started crying.

- "That'll make your butt cheeks tighten."

- Jim Gaffigan quotes. "That is preposterous!" "I didn't come here to be shocked into laughter." "I don't like those religious jokes...they make me uncomfortable..." "Oh he's going to hell for that joke..."

- I saw two girls behaving in a way that shocked me. But then was convicted to stop judging.

- "Oh it's gon' get gooood..."

- "Oh, you know...like...forgiveness..?"

- Rosemary and stage one hypothermia. Oops.

- Pretty much anything Mrs. Laura said = epic win.

More to come later.

I'll think of a good blog topic later.

I think I'm still trying to swallow the fact that I'm free.

Let's do a basic overview of life though because I'm in a very basic-overview kind of mood:

Pros:
"Oh Happiness" by DCB pretty much covers it.

IT'S SPRING BREAK!!!

I passed my math test!

I'm 85% sure I passed both my other exams too! :D

Military ball is next Friday!!

I'm in Atlanta right now with a beautiful view of campus from the library and I can't wait.

Church was amazing last night -- especially after church :)

Jesus loves me! No, seriously He really does and He's working on my heart.

Cons:

I've been missing her again and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

Tyler's leaving in less than 2 weeks.

Matt's depressed and I can't do anything about it.

This is Sternberg's last week. Sunday's his last day. Saturday's his going-away party.

I want to move to Atlanta. NOW.

I'm exhausted.

You know what, I'm just gonna attempt this later.

I'm too ADD and not focused to write a good blog.

Food for thought before I go:
"Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God made you to be. And anything else you do is sin and you need to repent of it."

- Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis

A prayer.

Father God...my amazing Abba Daddy...
I offer this prayer in writing to assure that I do my absolute best to keep this promise.

Lord, I want to give you this weekend.
Starting right now, let everything I do to be for You.
Whether it be for my friends, my boyfriend, strangers, leaders, students, enemies, family, anyone, I give You my actions, words and even my thoughts O God.

Thank You for Wednesday, Father.
It was such an amazing blessing straight from You and I love You so much for continuing to bless me through these storms in my life. No matter what my emotions, I know that You are working in me and through me in such awesome ways. After all, "Even if we feel guilty, You are greater than our feelings, and You know everything." [my favorite book, 1 John 3:30]. So I know my emotions are just silly reactive hormones in my brain. Truth is truth. And You are Truth. And Truth clearly says that no matter what, You love me.

Oh how You love me, Father... I don't deserve it at all, and yet You are constantly pouring out Your love for me, and it astounds me. Your love's like a hurricane--I am a tree, bending beneath Your wind and mercy. God, those words are so TRUE! Thank You for music, thank You for David Crowder Band being inspired to put that song on their album so that we could all share in its truth.

I'm giving You this weekend.
I'm so excited about it, Father, You know I am!!
This weekend is about YOU. Your love, Your glory, Your will, Your grace, Your creation, Your EVERYTHING.

It's all Yours, Daddy.
It's not about me.
It's all about You.
I'm coming back to You, and I don't ever want to let go.

It's all You.
You got dis.

In Jesus' amazing, holy, precious Name above all other Names,
Amen.

Blog Four: Honesty.

I want to live in Atlanta right now.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I want to start fresh--live responsibly like an adult.

I can't wait.

Like literally.

I want to start a movement, or at least do something big, but it feels like I have to wait until I'm there in order to actually do anything. I'm stuck--trapped--here in the pits of Henry County, just waiting. No one understands it. Except Jackson sometimes, but I think he's been aching to live out on his own his whole life. And the only one who's going through the same thing won't make time to talk to me because she's too busy making time with everyone else. It's rather depressing.

"Enemy Among Us" by Paper Route

I'm really going to miss David.

I actually bonded with him on Friday, which was almost painful.

It was about time we actually bonded. After 8 years of not connecting, now that he's 2 weeks from leaving, we talk and laugh together.

Yeah, it's not almost painful. It just is painful.

I'm really happy for him. Even more so now than at the beginning. I'm actually jealous of him now--he gets to get out of this spiritual vacuum that is Henry County. Sorry, I know that's melodramatic but it just sucks.

Don't get me wrong, though. I love the people here. My family especially, and friends like Alex, Sarah, Allison, Shannon, Seth, Tyler, and a few others. But I just have to get out. I can't breathe here.

"Set Apart This Dream" by Flyleaf

I'm about to get really personal. Just so you know. No one reads these anymore, anyway, now that I don't post about my blog on Facebook. Only Jackson and maybe sometimes Alex. My true friends.

I don't know if I'm genuine anymore. I don't know if I post certain things or certain phrases just to make a statement or if I truly mean any of it. I still love Jesus, though, and I honestly want to serve Him and love Him with my life. I want to shine. I really do. But am I the real deal? Am I making the time for Him that He deserves? Am I putting Him as the top priority? Am I in it for Jesus or am I doing all of these public stunts to get people to think "Wow, Amy's got it all together." Am I truly genuine about this?

At church yesterday, I prayed that God would reveal this to me. I wanted to see if I was for real or not.

Sunday school, I tried to be social with all my groups of friends, which is actually hard because I hang with a number of different crowds and a lot of times they don't get along.

But...then again...they're my groups of friends.

My groups of friends. Not the tons of other kids in the youth group.

Strike one.

During small groups, I think I can't help but be genuine. I'm with my closest friends in there (and a few others...) but for the most part I can't help but be real.

"Dance On Our Graves" by Paper Route

Next was kids' worship. I honestly showed my true emotions in front of everyone instead of faking it, which probably made Allison and Lainie think I was a jerk. But at least I was honest about it. I was moody and I felt miserable...until I got up on stage. Then I felt God working through me and I danced and had fun for the kids. Again, I was honest. I felt much better.

Then we actually went in for the sermon. Walking through the crowd in the middle of the sermon is always humiliating. My heart raced as I imagined all the things people were thinking about me, including Paul himself. I walked past her and my chest hurt again. She was sitting there listening to the sermon with her family. Now we were walking in ahead of her. She must have thought I was such a hypocrite...

Wow.

Strike two.

"Can I Lie Here" by David Crowder Band

After those stupid thoughts left my mind, I started focusing on the sermon itself. I honestly took sermon notes. I listened intently, trying desperately hard to prove myself wrong, along with genuinely wanting to listen for my own spiritual benefit.

Walking up to the altar is always hard because I always feel like everyone's staring at me. And of course, most of the rest of the youth group follows Jackson and me. We do get up and walk up there first. But we really want to be praying up there for the revival of this church, for David, for ourselves, for everything. I prayed fervently for my soul and my authenticity. It was hard to be honest with raw pain like that. Especially when that pain was coming from the people praying right beside me.

Strike three.

"Break Your Knees" by Flyleaf

I need to get more honest with myself. With God. With everyone. I'm all about honesty, now--my whole family is about honesty. That's what gets us in trouble most of the time. But I'm not being honest about most things. Just the way I portray myself and how I act like I don't care about what people think, but honestly I crave it.

But I can't be lukewarm about my faith anymore. Maybe that's why I feel so trapped in Henry County. I've fallen into a rut of lukewarm water. I hate it. I loathe it. I want out. Father help me out of this!!

"Enemy" by Flyleaf

"How He Loves" by David Crowder Band

Father, I know You still love me, despite everything. You love the raw, honest, disgusting filth that is the true me. I don't know how You do it, but You do. You see through my mask of happiness--my mask that says everything's okay and the I-can-be-happy-despite-how-much-they've-hurt-me disguise I often hide behind. You know that I don't forgive easily, and that the pain comes in waves like nausea. I don't want to confront the pain head on, and You know that. But You know what's best for me, Father. So I pray that You will drag me out of my comfort zone. Yank me out, Lord. Rip it out like a band-aid. I want to serve You with my life. I want to shine: not so that others will see how bright I am, but to see how bright You are based on my reflection. As Your children from House of Heroes said, "Like pieces of the sun, our light goes on and on and on. Like stars in the night sky, we shine. I'm willing to shine on." I am willing, Lord. Help me get there. Help me reach the point where I stop caring what others think and start only living for You.

That's my raw, honest, disgustingly filthy prayer.

Strip the comfort away from me.

I don't want it to be easy anymore, because it only brings more pain.

I want to be real, genuine, honest, authentic, HOT.

No more lukewarm attitudes.

Even here in Henry County, I know You have me here for a reason.

I will shine for You, God.

Just for You.

untitled.

Here's my blog.

I'm on a Facebook fast.

Hasn't gotten me very far, but it's a work in progress.

I went to school today.

I brought Jackson along.

That made it much better.

Why is it that while I'm in Atlanta everything is perfect?

Nothing can go wrong...I'm happier, life seems brighter, I feel physically lighter, more free.

I can actually breathe in Atlanta.

Which is saying something considering the smog...

But that's how I know God is calling me there.

It's as if there's a darkness over Henry county...just for me.

I feel heavy, depressed, stressed out when I'm down here most of the time.

How do you explain that?

But while reading Velvet Elvis (yes, I'm going to talk about it constantly because it was by far the best book I've ever read), something jumped out at me, but with a bittersweet twist.

"If you have issues surrounding your identity, those issues will not go away if you 'make it'. They will be there until they are hunted down and identified and dealt with. We often live under the illusion that when we reach that goal and complete our mission, those issues that churn on the inside will go away.

But it's not true.

There is a great saying in the recovery moment: 'Wherever you go, there you are.'

That's why when we talk with people who are just itching to leave town because they 'just need to get out of here', we know they will be back. Often they find out that whatever it is, it went with them. The problem is not the town. The problem is somewhere inside of them."

On a completely different note though...now that we've got my depression out into the light there...I need prayer. Unspoken.

And I need my best friend back.

I wonder if she knows I'm gone.

I wonder if she knows that I pray for her every day.

I wonder if she knows that I need her prayers.

I wonder if she knows that I want to give up on her.

I wonder if she knows that I can't.

I wonder if she cares.

Probably not.

Pray for me.

Blog Three: Chillax, dude.

I skipped my first class this morning.

GASP, AMY! How irresponsible!! What were you thinking!?

In my defense, traffic was horrific this morning, and I didn't even get to the parking deck until 8:10. But while I was sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic on I-75, I thought it over and realized that I really didn't have to go to Biology. I didn't need to rush because, honestly, it wasn't worth it.

Our professor's name is Dr. Day, and she's a bit crazy. She always talks about how birds are direct descendants of dinosaurs, which fits well into the evolution theory, and therefore, she loses me. But that's not why I skipped today. I also skipped because she writes up these lecture outlines and quotes every word of them, and usually any other information that she gives us is in the book. Very little of it is exclusive only to the lectures, so I probably am safe to say I could still pass the class even if I skipped every single one of her classes. But I haven't skipped any until today. I think I'm safe.

I also decided to skip it because I didn't finish my English homework. Again.

And it was due an hour and a half later.

But that wasn't going to take long. All it was was a worksheet with 5 questions on MLA Citation. I know that stuff. My English teachers in high school drilled that junk in my head for years, especially my senior year. I could have done that worksheet during Biology. That would have been more responsible.

But I still felt the urge to skip. I won't go as far as to say God was telling me to, but I felt strongly that I still needed to. For myself.

I'm reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Yeah, I know I'm behind the times. Everybody's read that book already. But I haven't had the chance until now, and after reading Velvet Elvis I knew I needed to keep reading books like it so that this flame won't flicker. But anyway, I was going to read that after I finished my English homework.

But I didn't.

So then I figured I should take a nap. I was exhausted...I could barely keep my eyes open while I was driving this morning. And that's not good when it's freezing cold outside and I need the heat on, and the heat dries my eyes out. A rather bad combination. So maybe a nap was a good idea.

But I didn't.

Instead, I checked my Facebook.

Then I checked my Formspring.me stuff.

Then I stalked some friends on Facebook, as I always do.

I almost didn't even do my English homework because I couldn't get off Facebook. I kept browsing and checking and socializing...

I got a 68 on my first Biology test.

That was a little over a week ago.

I can't tell my dad that. He might see this, and if he does, that's fine, maybe he needs to.

The thing is...I'm slacking. And you know why I'm slacking?

Because I'm so distracted.

I have got so much going on in my life that it is insane!

I have school Monday through Thursday.

Mondays I have class from 1:30-2:45 (but usually I get there at 8 to give myself time to either study or workout, depending on what all I have going on academically that week).

Tuesdays and Thursdays, 8:00-2:15.

And Wednesday, 8:00-2:45.

Lots of breaks in between those classes, too. Especially Wednesdays.

Speaking of Wednesdays, I still go to church every Wednesday night, and still make time to hang out with my friends at Starbucks after church lets out.

And I go to church every Sunday. That has not and will not ever change.

And as far as my social life goes, I literally plan something with at least one friend every night.

And I even take it further than that: when something social that I plan fails, I have a breakdown and feel like I have to fill it back up again.

I'm actively looking for a job.

I literally just sent the manager of Publix a reminder that I still exist and still need that job.

And yet, even when I get a job, I have no idea how I'm going to balance this schedule I have. It's insanity.

I'm still trying to decide if skipping my Biology class this morning was a bold choice.

I'm still trying to decide if even writing this blog was a good decision. It seems very counterproductive.

Rob Bell talked about the Sabbath and rest in Velvet Elvis. I'd quote it if I had the book here with me (I might come back and post the quote later today if I remember), but he makes several clear points about it.

God is telling me through all of this that I need to take a Sabbath day. I want to--I really do. But at this point I'm in over my head. I have two research papers due next week and I only have the latter half of Friday and maybe part of Saturday to work on it. All other days are filled up. Then I have exams coming up sprinkled about throughout the next two months. Most of them are pretty easy, but others...I worry about. And what is worry? What causes worry? Lack of trust in God? It's my own fault though, so I can't depend on God to pass all these exams for me. So it's not that I'm refusing to trust God with my stress, but at the same time...ugh too much to think about. I'll get back on Facebook and--

STOP IT.

Don't you see what you're doing, Beloved?

It's a dreadful cycle that I want you out of.

I'll help you out, but you have to work with Me.

Let Me in to help you sort all of this stuff out.

I need to take a break.

I need a Sabbath day, badly. I'm stressed out about not just school stuff but my social life, too. It's not that I don't have any friends. I think it's clear that I may be going overboard in that department.

So let's take this one step at a time.

No Facebook.

No social Facebooking, at least.

Now I have to stay on it to keep up with Sternberg's prayer chain and other things of that nature. But no more posting statuses to give people the impression that I have it all together (although I'm getting to the point where I don't do that anymore). No more crying over people who steal my friends away from me. No more "stalking" and feeling the need to keep myself informed on everyone on my friends' list. If people need me to know something, they'll tell me.

And here's the hardest part that Rob Bell said that sometimes I still don't know if I can handle:

"The world will continue to go on without you."

It's not that I'm that self-centered to I think the world revolves around me, but sometimes I feel like I need to know what's going on and be there for people when they need me, even when they don't know that they do. Does that make sense? I live with this philosophy that people need me to help them with their problems 24-7. That's why I keep my phone close by every night with the volume on so that if anyone needs me I will sacrifice my own sleep to help them, no matter what. I'm a future psychologist--that's what I do. That's what I thrive on, that's my passion: helping and loving people.

But here's the thing: God is telling me to slow down and chill out.

The world will go on without me.

My friends will tell me if they need me.

And in reality, they don't need me. They need God. And God will provide.

Through it all, it's not in my control.

My life is not in my control.

God is in control.

As Jackson would say, "GOD'S GOT DIS!!"

And so, because He's got everything under control, He's telling me to chillax and stop trying to save the world by myself.

And that is so freeing.

A bit disappointing, in a sense, but overwhelmingly freeing.

I can feel the tension drain from my shoulders with that realization.

God's got this.

By the way, I did finish my English homework.

And Professor Marshall said I did great on it.

And I found out that I got an 85 on my first math test.

And that I have another chance to make up that Biology exam at the end of the semester if I so choose.

I also found out from Senad (my friend who is in most of my classes) that Biology was let out early because of technical difficulties anyway, and that I didn't miss anything when I skipped.

Yeah.

God's got this.

Songs of my life at the moment.

"Beautiful Bride"
Flyleaf

Unified diversity
Functioning as one body
Every part encouraged by the other
No one independent of another
You're irreplaceable, indispensable
You're incredible
You're incredible

[Chorus]
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Strengthen your arms now
Train your fingers for battle
Urgency's here now
Train your fingers for battle
Fighting this violence
With your feet wrapped in peace
Sad tears and silence
Now screams of joy
Victory

[Chorus x2]

We're not gonna fall and forget
How far You went to pick us up
If one part's hurt the whole body's sick
If one part mourns we all mourn with Him
Rejoice, we'll sing with you
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

-----------

"Break Your Knees"
Flyleaf

Breaks your knees and leaves you so
The sun can burn you up and wear you out
It's an angry summer

There's no room to smile
When the face you make just before you cry
Looks so young like a child

The sun will set on this my dear
Your labors aren't in vain
You're blistered and you're burned from it
Your wounds are gonna heal

Life on earth will end for all conceived
And prove to be only a breath,
A mist, a womb for what's to come
How soon forever arrives

The sun will set on this my dear
Your labors aren't in vain
You're blistered and you're burned from it
Your wounds are gonna heal

Steadfast my love
The end is near
Just keep your eyes ahead
Grab hold of me
I'll help you there
You're never on your own
You're never all alone

Life on earth will end for all conceived
And prove to be only a breath,
A mist, a womb for what's to come
How soon forever arrives

Breaks your knees and leaves you so
The sun can burn you up and wear you out
It's an angry summer

Don't look at the past again
The first and last has made everything new
And you are too
So lift your head
And let your story be told
Life on earth will end for all conceived
And prove to be only a breath,
A mist, a womb for what's to come
How soon forever arrives

The sun will set on this my dear
Your labors aren't in vain
You're blistered and you're burned from it
Your wounds are gonna heal (forever arrives)

The sun will set on this my dear
Your labors aren't in vain

Life on earth will end for all conceived
And prove to be only a breath,
A mist, a womb for what's to come
How soon forever arrives

------------

"How He Loves"
David Crowder Band

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

---------------

"City on Our Knees"
Tobymac

If you gotta start somewhere why not here
If you gotta start sometime why not now
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog there is hope in the distance
From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave

Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a beautiful display
It’s all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees

Tonight couldn’t last forever
We are one choice from together
Tonight couldn’t last forever
Tonight couldn’t last forever
We are one choice from together
As family
We’re family
Oh Tonight couldn’t last forever
We are one choice from together
You and me
Yeah, you and me

Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide
In a glorious display
'Cause its all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees

If we gotta start somewhere why not here?
If we gotta start sometime why not now?

Blog Two: Easy reading

I've been reading through John in random places, and I had this reoccurring thought the whole time:

I wish more than anything I had been alive during Jesus' day.

I mean, don't get me wrong; I'm glad I'm alive during the age of indoor plumbing, heating & AC, iPods and cell phones, but...to be able to physically touch Jesus and have Him hold me in His arms...that would be so amazing. Seriously, think about that! It would be so cool to actually hear Him speak with my own physical ears, and have Him literally wipe my tears away. To touch His wounds from where the nails held Him to the cross. And think about it, that would eliminate the lack of belief in our society. No one would doubt anymore! He'd be right there to prove His case over and over again. Witnessing would be a breeze!

So then who would want to be a Christian?

I sure wouldn't.

You'd have to consider that, wouldn't you?

What would Christianity be about if Jesus was physically here and walking around on earth?

If that were true, wouldn't that make being a Christian easy?

Everyone would be a Christian.

Everyone would see, hear, touch, smell (but hopefully not taste) Jesus.

That would be sooo easy. Effortless.

But in a world where everything is expected to be easy, and everything is made easier for us everyday, why wouldn't that be desirable?

Take, for example, today's pop culture. Let's use the Backstreet Boys for humor's sake.

"But Amy, the Backstreet Boys are lame."

Exactly.

So let's say Jesus gains popularity across the globe. Everyone wants Jesus to be in their town. Jesus gets a manager/agent and all that cool stuff that famous people get. He gets a tour schedule. He travels from town to town, state to state, country to country, continent to continent. Tickets to see Jesus sell out. Fire marshals are going absolutely crazy everywhere as arenas, theaters, stadiums, every public place is filling past the legal limit to hear Him speak. People are being baptized left and right, people are getting healed, life is perfect.

But then something new comes along, and the world slowly falls away. The fad is over.

"Oh come on, Amy. Jesus would stay popular forever because He's Jesus and people will never get tired of Him."

Not necessarily.

Maybe this is just my opinion but I think God knew what He was doing when He decided to do it this way.

He knows that the human race He created gets bored. Especially if things are too easy. Think about it. Why did the Backstreet Boys fall off the face of the planet? Their music got old--society got bored. And after a while, they moved on.

But here's the thing: Jesus doesn't get old. He doesn't get boring.

I know some of you may still be confused, but just hang in there.

If Jesus were physically here and we were able to have easy access to His love and miracles, where would the chase be?

Where's the challenge?

With or without realizing it, humans want a challenge. They want to find something worth chasing and working for. When a man is in love a woman, he is willing to chase after her with all of his heart. He'll sacrifice, break a sweat, work his butt off to prove his love to her. Same goes with women being in love with men, but since it's socially unacceptable, we don't show it (annoying, isn't it?)

When I was considerably young, one of my Sunday school teachers shared something surprisingly deep with me. He compared God's love for us like a doll with a pull string. Remember those dolls? Like Woody from Toy Story? You pulled the string on its back and the doll would say something, usually the same thing over and over. My Sunday school teacher spoke specifically of a baby doll for a little girl that would say "I love you!" whenever you pulled the string on her back. At first, you think, "Aww..." because a little girl would loves to hear that. Everyone loves hearing those words, right?

But does that doll really love that little girl?

Of course not.

God didn't make us like pull-string dolls.

He gave us free will so that we could honestly, genuinely love Him.

If He made us so that we automatically love Him, where's the love? That would be so pointless. Sure it'd be easier, but it'd be so dull, so depressing.

Are you getting my point yet?

God desires our love and affection. Not because it's easy. Not because it's convenient or popular or fun for a while. He wants us to honestly, genuinely, truly love Him because it's the better way to live. It's not easier--in fact, it's MUCH harder to live for God than it is to not live for God.

He sent Jesus to earth for 33 years so that we had a way to reconnect with Him.

He knew exactly what He was doing when He did that.

He did it in His timing, which is always perfect.

God wants us to love Him because He is love.

And when we love Him, we want to live for Him.

Then we take God's way, which changes everything.

God's way is better.

God's way is more exciting.

God's way is fuller.

God's way is bigger.

God's way is much much harder, but it reaps in way more benefits.

God doesn't want to pull our string. God just wants to pull our hearts in to His so that we don't have to automatically love Him; we want to love Him.

There's another point we have to consider, though.

Jesus may not physically be with us, but when He left earth, He gave us His spirit.

The Holy Spirit.

God's kavod (Hebrew for His glory) in spirit form.

So in a very real way, Jesus is still here.

But because it's not a wordly presence, He will never get old.

See what I'm saying?

Since it's His spirit, He will never leave.

God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit can be with us wherever we go.

We don't have to go to a specific stadium on a certain day to hear Him speak.

We can hear from Him anytime, anywhere.

He may not be able to physically touch us, but he dwells in us so that He can touch us through His children.

He speaks through humans every day.

He inspired humans to write the Bible and decide which books He wanted us to read.

He inspired people like Martin Luther so that we have the freedom to read those Holy Words that He spoke through those people.

Sure, Jesus isn't a physical person anymore. I can't call Him up on my cell phone or drive to His house or invite Him to dinner.

But it's even better because He's always with me.

Always.

Isn't that beautiful?

God is so amazing.

And every day, I fall more and more in love with Him.

Don't you?

Food for thought

"The church is a she... She will live on. She's indestructible. When she dies in one part of the world, she explodes in another. She's global. She's universal. She's everywhere. And while she's fragile, she's going to endure. In every generation, there will be those who see her beauty and give their lives to see her shine. Jesus said the gates of hell will not prevail against her. That's strong language. And it's true. She will continue to roll across the ages, serving and giving and connecting people with God and each other. And people will abuse her and manipulate her and try to control her, but they'll pass on. And she will keep going."

-Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis

Blog One: Something beautiful

So it’s about time I made a blog.

I have to write about what God is doing in my life. I can’t hold it in. It’s so amazing, so devastating, so tragic, so glorious, so heartbreaking, so incredible, I just have to share it, regardless of how controversial it might be. Yeah it might hurt certain people’s feelings, but this is my free space. My blog. My story. And I need to get it out.

These past few weeks have been awful. Two weeks ago was what I unashamedly called the week from hell. For just a moment, I’ll give you a brief overview so that you don’t think I’m just exaggerating.

My ex-best friend completely shred the final strand of hope in mending our friendship. She blocked me on Facebook and she refuses to explain why. And of course, whenever we’re in the same room, she acts like nothing is wrong. Her fakeness sickens me. But more than that, her behavior tore me apart.

Within the same week, I watched a few other friends drop off my radar. It was overwhelmingly discouraging. There were lies spread about me. I got into fights with my family, friends and Jackson, and overall just felt miserable and worthless. Satan threw everything he could at me. As soon as I thought I was safe to get back up, he would knock me down again with something else.

With my life ripping at the seams, it was hard to find it in my heart to praise God. I cried out to Him, begged Him to give me my friends back, and pleaded for Him to stop all this heartache. I didn’t know how to act or speak to Him. But I pressed on, fighting for my life. Things started getting better, slowly but surely, the more I kept reaching out for God, grabbing hold of His love and trying desperately hard not to let go.

Then, out of nowhere, I learned that my youth minister—my spiritual mentor, one who taught me more about Jesus than I ever imagined—was leaving our church to plant a new church over a hundred miles away.

At first, I was angry. He told us he wasn’t going to leave. David was the “gamechanger” for me—if he left the church, so would I. I’d stay otherwise. If David could find a reason to stay, there must be hope in this place. Our church was falling apart. It still is. There was nothing keeping me here other than my friends (who will all probably leave within this year anyway) and my dad (who had just become an elder). Now that David, my friend, was leaving, why should I stay? Just to support my dad? Was that enough to keep me coming back? It made me so angry. I was devastated.

Sunday school was emotionally loaded after David dropped the bomb. We all prayed around him, most of us just trying to keep it together. My mom brought a box of Kleenex. I think we used up every single tissue. The junior and senior girls cried the entire time, and my mom and I never got to the actual lesson. We couldn’t stop crying and praying.

But God was there in that room. He spoke through Jessica Irby. I won’t say all that she said, but I just know that it was about 95% the Holy Spirit through her. It was incredible.

And then we prayed.

And I wanted to take my shoes off.

Because the ground in that room was holy.

God used Jessica Irby and the amazing girls of in our Sunday school class to speak to me and soften my heart. We cried together, loved together, and experienced together.

I’m no longer angry at David for leaving. He’s done his work with us. God needs him in Chattanooga to demonstrate His love there in that place and reach more people. This is part of growing and maturing, and our youth group needs to grow and mature. And I’m proud of David and will keep him in my prayers throughout his ministry up in TN.

God has been using a famous author/speaker named Rob Bell to speak to me through his book Velvet Elvis through all of this, as well. I’ve learned so much, and I’ll be updating you with new things that I’m learning as I go on.

I just had to share this story with you. The story of how my God is so amazing, so big, and so compassionate. My life may be falling apart, but it’s a blessing that I am so grateful for. God is using all of it to make something beautiful.

And I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen next.