GASP, AMY! How irresponsible!! What were you thinking!?
In my defense, traffic was horrific this morning, and I didn't even get to the parking deck until 8:10. But while I was sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic on I-75, I thought it over and realized that I really didn't have to go to Biology. I didn't need to rush because, honestly, it wasn't worth it.
Our professor's name is Dr. Day, and she's a bit crazy. She always talks about how birds are direct descendants of dinosaurs, which fits well into the evolution theory, and therefore, she loses me. But that's not why I skipped today. I also skipped because she writes up these lecture outlines and quotes every word of them, and usually any other information that she gives us is in the book. Very little of it is exclusive only to the lectures, so I probably am safe to say I could still pass the class even if I skipped every single one of her classes. But I haven't skipped any until today. I think I'm safe.
I also decided to skip it because I didn't finish my English homework. Again.
And it was due an hour and a half later.
But that wasn't going to take long. All it was was a worksheet with 5 questions on MLA Citation. I know that stuff. My English teachers in high school drilled that junk in my head for years, especially my senior year. I could have done that worksheet during Biology. That would have been more responsible.
But I still felt the urge to skip. I won't go as far as to say God was telling me to, but I felt strongly that I still needed to. For myself.
I'm reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Yeah, I know I'm behind the times. Everybody's read that book already. But I haven't had the chance until now, and after reading Velvet Elvis I knew I needed to keep reading books like it so that this flame won't flicker. But anyway, I was going to read that after I finished my English homework.
But I didn't.
So then I figured I should take a nap. I was exhausted...I could barely keep my eyes open while I was driving this morning. And that's not good when it's freezing cold outside and I need the heat on, and the heat dries my eyes out. A rather bad combination. So maybe a nap was a good idea.
But I didn't.
Instead, I checked my Facebook.
Then I checked my Formspring.me stuff.
Then I stalked some friends on Facebook, as I always do.
I almost didn't even do my English homework because I couldn't get off Facebook. I kept browsing and checking and socializing...
I got a 68 on my first Biology test.
That was a little over a week ago.
I can't tell my dad that. He might see this, and if he does, that's fine, maybe he needs to.
The thing is...I'm slacking. And you know why I'm slacking?
Because I'm so distracted.
I have got so much going on in my life that it is insane!
I have school Monday through Thursday.
Mondays I have class from 1:30-2:45 (but usually I get there at 8 to give myself time to either study or workout, depending on what all I have going on academically that week).
Tuesdays and Thursdays, 8:00-2:15.
And Wednesday, 8:00-2:45.
Lots of breaks in between those classes, too. Especially Wednesdays.
Speaking of Wednesdays, I still go to church every Wednesday night, and still make time to hang out with my friends at Starbucks after church lets out.
And I go to church every Sunday. That has not and will not ever change.
And as far as my social life goes, I literally plan something with at least one friend every night.
And I even take it further than that: when something social that I plan fails, I have a breakdown and feel like I have to fill it back up again.
I'm actively looking for a job.
I literally just sent the manager of Publix a reminder that I still exist and still need that job.
And yet, even when I get a job, I have no idea how I'm going to balance this schedule I have. It's insanity.
I'm still trying to decide if skipping my Biology class this morning was a bold choice.
I'm still trying to decide if even writing this blog was a good decision. It seems very counterproductive.
Rob Bell talked about the Sabbath and rest in Velvet Elvis. I'd quote it if I had the book here with me (I might come back and post the quote later today if I remember), but he makes several clear points about it.
God is telling me through all of this that I need to take a Sabbath day. I want to--I really do. But at this point I'm in over my head. I have two research papers due next week and I only have the latter half of Friday and maybe part of Saturday to work on it. All other days are filled up. Then I have exams coming up sprinkled about throughout the next two months. Most of them are pretty easy, but others...I worry about. And what is worry? What causes worry? Lack of trust in God? It's my own fault though, so I can't depend on God to pass all these exams for me. So it's not that I'm refusing to trust God with my stress, but at the same time...ugh too much to think about. I'll get back on Facebook and--
STOP IT.
Don't you see what you're doing, Beloved?
It's a dreadful cycle that I want you out of.
I'll help you out, but you have to work with Me.
Let Me in to help you sort all of this stuff out.
I need to take a break.
I need a Sabbath day, badly. I'm stressed out about not just school stuff but my social life, too. It's not that I don't have any friends. I think it's clear that I may be going overboard in that department.
So let's take this one step at a time.
No Facebook.
No social Facebooking, at least.
Now I have to stay on it to keep up with Sternberg's prayer chain and other things of that nature. But no more posting statuses to give people the impression that I have it all together (although I'm getting to the point where I don't do that anymore). No more crying over people who steal my friends away from me. No more "stalking" and feeling the need to keep myself informed on everyone on my friends' list. If people need me to know something, they'll tell me.
And here's the hardest part that Rob Bell said that sometimes I still don't know if I can handle:
"The world will continue to go on without you."
It's not that I'm that self-centered to I think the world revolves around me, but sometimes I feel like I need to know what's going on and be there for people when they need me, even when they don't know that they do. Does that make sense? I live with this philosophy that people need me to help them with their problems 24-7. That's why I keep my phone close by every night with the volume on so that if anyone needs me I will sacrifice my own sleep to help them, no matter what. I'm a future psychologist--that's what I do. That's what I thrive on, that's my passion: helping and loving people.
But here's the thing: God is telling me to slow down and chill out.
The world will go on without me.
My friends will tell me if they need me.
And in reality, they don't need me. They need God. And God will provide.
Through it all, it's not in my control.
My life is not in my control.
God is in control.
As Jackson would say, "GOD'S GOT DIS!!"
And so, because He's got everything under control, He's telling me to chillax and stop trying to save the world by myself.
And that is so freeing.
A bit disappointing, in a sense, but overwhelmingly freeing.
I can feel the tension drain from my shoulders with that realization.
God's got this.
By the way, I did finish my English homework.
And Professor Marshall said I did great on it.
And I found out that I got an 85 on my first math test.
And that I have another chance to make up that Biology exam at the end of the semester if I so choose.
I also found out from Senad (my friend who is in most of my classes) that Biology was let out early because of technical difficulties anyway, and that I didn't miss anything when I skipped.
Yeah.
God's got this.
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