Blog Four: Honesty.

I want to live in Atlanta right now.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I want to start fresh--live responsibly like an adult.

I can't wait.

Like literally.

I want to start a movement, or at least do something big, but it feels like I have to wait until I'm there in order to actually do anything. I'm stuck--trapped--here in the pits of Henry County, just waiting. No one understands it. Except Jackson sometimes, but I think he's been aching to live out on his own his whole life. And the only one who's going through the same thing won't make time to talk to me because she's too busy making time with everyone else. It's rather depressing.

"Enemy Among Us" by Paper Route

I'm really going to miss David.

I actually bonded with him on Friday, which was almost painful.

It was about time we actually bonded. After 8 years of not connecting, now that he's 2 weeks from leaving, we talk and laugh together.

Yeah, it's not almost painful. It just is painful.

I'm really happy for him. Even more so now than at the beginning. I'm actually jealous of him now--he gets to get out of this spiritual vacuum that is Henry County. Sorry, I know that's melodramatic but it just sucks.

Don't get me wrong, though. I love the people here. My family especially, and friends like Alex, Sarah, Allison, Shannon, Seth, Tyler, and a few others. But I just have to get out. I can't breathe here.

"Set Apart This Dream" by Flyleaf

I'm about to get really personal. Just so you know. No one reads these anymore, anyway, now that I don't post about my blog on Facebook. Only Jackson and maybe sometimes Alex. My true friends.

I don't know if I'm genuine anymore. I don't know if I post certain things or certain phrases just to make a statement or if I truly mean any of it. I still love Jesus, though, and I honestly want to serve Him and love Him with my life. I want to shine. I really do. But am I the real deal? Am I making the time for Him that He deserves? Am I putting Him as the top priority? Am I in it for Jesus or am I doing all of these public stunts to get people to think "Wow, Amy's got it all together." Am I truly genuine about this?

At church yesterday, I prayed that God would reveal this to me. I wanted to see if I was for real or not.

Sunday school, I tried to be social with all my groups of friends, which is actually hard because I hang with a number of different crowds and a lot of times they don't get along.

But...then again...they're my groups of friends.

My groups of friends. Not the tons of other kids in the youth group.

Strike one.

During small groups, I think I can't help but be genuine. I'm with my closest friends in there (and a few others...) but for the most part I can't help but be real.

"Dance On Our Graves" by Paper Route

Next was kids' worship. I honestly showed my true emotions in front of everyone instead of faking it, which probably made Allison and Lainie think I was a jerk. But at least I was honest about it. I was moody and I felt miserable...until I got up on stage. Then I felt God working through me and I danced and had fun for the kids. Again, I was honest. I felt much better.

Then we actually went in for the sermon. Walking through the crowd in the middle of the sermon is always humiliating. My heart raced as I imagined all the things people were thinking about me, including Paul himself. I walked past her and my chest hurt again. She was sitting there listening to the sermon with her family. Now we were walking in ahead of her. She must have thought I was such a hypocrite...

Wow.

Strike two.

"Can I Lie Here" by David Crowder Band

After those stupid thoughts left my mind, I started focusing on the sermon itself. I honestly took sermon notes. I listened intently, trying desperately hard to prove myself wrong, along with genuinely wanting to listen for my own spiritual benefit.

Walking up to the altar is always hard because I always feel like everyone's staring at me. And of course, most of the rest of the youth group follows Jackson and me. We do get up and walk up there first. But we really want to be praying up there for the revival of this church, for David, for ourselves, for everything. I prayed fervently for my soul and my authenticity. It was hard to be honest with raw pain like that. Especially when that pain was coming from the people praying right beside me.

Strike three.

"Break Your Knees" by Flyleaf

I need to get more honest with myself. With God. With everyone. I'm all about honesty, now--my whole family is about honesty. That's what gets us in trouble most of the time. But I'm not being honest about most things. Just the way I portray myself and how I act like I don't care about what people think, but honestly I crave it.

But I can't be lukewarm about my faith anymore. Maybe that's why I feel so trapped in Henry County. I've fallen into a rut of lukewarm water. I hate it. I loathe it. I want out. Father help me out of this!!

"Enemy" by Flyleaf

"How He Loves" by David Crowder Band

Father, I know You still love me, despite everything. You love the raw, honest, disgusting filth that is the true me. I don't know how You do it, but You do. You see through my mask of happiness--my mask that says everything's okay and the I-can-be-happy-despite-how-much-they've-hurt-me disguise I often hide behind. You know that I don't forgive easily, and that the pain comes in waves like nausea. I don't want to confront the pain head on, and You know that. But You know what's best for me, Father. So I pray that You will drag me out of my comfort zone. Yank me out, Lord. Rip it out like a band-aid. I want to serve You with my life. I want to shine: not so that others will see how bright I am, but to see how bright You are based on my reflection. As Your children from House of Heroes said, "Like pieces of the sun, our light goes on and on and on. Like stars in the night sky, we shine. I'm willing to shine on." I am willing, Lord. Help me get there. Help me reach the point where I stop caring what others think and start only living for You.

That's my raw, honest, disgustingly filthy prayer.

Strip the comfort away from me.

I don't want it to be easy anymore, because it only brings more pain.

I want to be real, genuine, honest, authentic, HOT.

No more lukewarm attitudes.

Even here in Henry County, I know You have me here for a reason.

I will shine for You, God.

Just for You.