Me, Myself and I

So I figured it out.

There's actually a whole boat-load of semi-logical explanations for my attitude over the past few weeks. Some have been justified with real life events and circumstances, but some have been seemingly random and unprompted. However, after days and hours of thought as well as outside opinions, I've figured it all out.

1. There's a song lyric that wraps up the first explanation: "Because on and off the clouds have fought for control over the sky. And lately the weather has been so bipolar that consequently so have I." Yep, that's me! That blog I wrote before the last one was on a rainy dreary day when I was alone during the day with no one to talk to.

2. It doesn't take a rocket science to conclude that I'm depressed because of the lack of a desperately important figure: God. I've completely pushed God out of my life. I still pray and I still read the Bible and I still go to church, but I do things I know I should not do and I cry over things that are completely ridiculous because I don't want God's help. Why? I have no idea. But finally, I've come to this horrible realization and it freaks me out to no end.

Because, now what? Do I drop everything and run back to God? What if--I'm an awful person, but I'm being honest when I say this--I don't want to? Then what's wrong with me? Am I going to hell now? Because I don't want to let go of all my junk that's holding me back from truly living the way God wants me to? Because I don't want to let go of the feeling of pain? Am I truly that masochistic? Or am I just that self-absorbed that all I want to do is roll around in self pity and worry about the one person that really matters?

You know what?
I'm going back and bolding all the times I say I, me, self, myself, etc. Let's see how bad the damage really is.

--

Ouch.

I think it's clear what needs to be worked on.

--

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
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