AWAKENING!

This blog won't really be that fabulous, but I felt I should update you [the blog] on my life.

This weekend was incredible.

I spent Thursday night and all day Friday with Sarah, one of my best friends. God knew that she was exactly who I needed to be with, because just her presence alone was a blessing. She had just returned from a weekend retreat in Alabama called The Ramp, which had turned her and her boyfriend inside out and transformed them into radically charismatic followers of Christ. She was glowing--almost literally. Everything she said was something about The Ramp or about God, and we had several real theological discussions about God, life and just about everything. It rattled my world, and shook me up from my sleep.

Church was equally amazing.

Something snapped during the church service, and I finally woke up.

Then came Passion City Church, and God sent a lightning bolt of energy through my heart, and now it's finally on fire again.

I still may grow weary or doze off, but I'm fully awake now. And I refuse to drift back into that slumber I've been trapped in for so long.

It's like Sarah said while I was at her house. "I don't know what God wants me to do in the long run, but for right now, I just want to live God. I want to live God, breathe God, be in constant prayer, constantly reading my Bible, everything God."

That's what I want, too.

I just pray that I stick to it.
I know I'll stumble, I know I'll fall back into apathy, but I know my God will come back and wake me back up if I let Him.

"Awakening"
Chris Tomlin

In our hearts, Lord, in this nation
Awakening
Holy Spirit, we desire
Awakening

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

In Your presence, in Your power
Awakening
For this moment, for this hour
Awakening

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

For You and You alone
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
For the world You love
Your will be done, let Your will be done in me

Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice and this is my
Awakening

Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice and this is my
Awakening

Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
From the darkness comes a light
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing

Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing
Only You can raise a life
Awake my soul, awake my soul and sing

Proverbs 3:5

This blog won't be very long.

I don't understand why God still loves me.

Honestly, I don't.

I've just completely turned away from Him these past few months.

Not because I'm living some crazy out-of-control life,
not because I'm completely rebelling against Him,
but I cannot deny that there is a distinct defiance.

I complain constantly about my pain until there is none, then I never thank Him for taking it away.

I indulge in myself until I can't find anything to satisfy me, then I whine that He hasn't given enough.

I cling to people so tightly, and when they let me down, instead of turning to You for comfort, I shout angrily of Your cruelty and unfairness.

I'm so unbelievably selfish.

I relate to so many people in the Bible all at the same time.

I feel like the nation of Israel, betraying God over and over again.
I feel like Jonah, running away in my shame, being swallowed by own huge fish.

I feel like Gomer, constantly prostituting myself to everything and everyone BUT God.

I feel like Peter, denying Jesus with my heart, then hearing a rooster crow of my wickedness.

My God, who have I become?

Why am I treating You this way?

I need You back.

I need my joy back.

Enough putting my hope in people.

Enough putting my faith in myself.

Enough putting my trust in worldly things.

Enough leaning on my own understanding.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart;

Do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in ALL that you do,

and He will show you which path to take."

Help me, Father.

"I need You now.
I need You more than ever before..."

--

January 13, 2010

I can't take this anymore
Is this what this is for?
Tested tried and wasted
Not a single lie I haven't tasted

Is that where I am?
Is this what I've become?
Where are You now?

I don't feel You anymore
I can't see what this is for
This lonely suffocation
For which there's no justification

Are You still there?
Your voice has disappeared
Where are You now?

I couldn't hear You anymore
So that's what this is for
A little blood to numb the pain
Isn't it such a shame?

Are You ever coming back?
I miss Your loving touch
Where are You now?

I won't listen for You anymore
I don't want to know what it's for
Another test for me to fail
No one there to pay my bail

I'm lost
I'm broken
I'm missing
I'm searching
I'm losing
I'm crying
I'm dying...



And in the silence
I hear a sound
A clap of thunder
Rain pours down
I look to the sky
Then fall to the ground

Beloved...
You are mine.
Come back to me
I never left you
Nor will I ever.
Your pain pushed me out
I was always with you
Come back to me

I don't feel the pain anymore
I know now what it was for
Your Love brought me out of the dark
Now it's time for a brand new start

Vacation Insomnia?

You know what's weird?

I'll tell you, whether you asked or not.

It's weird to be in your bed in a condo on the beach at 12:25 in the morning writing a blog. It's weird having to stay up when you're absolutely exhausted, trying to figure out why your soul won't let you sleep.

What is it that needs to be expressed so urgently that sleep must be postponed?

Whatever it is, it had better be worth it once it gets here.

Tonight was an existential night.

Jackson would be so proud of me for using that word.

But the weirdest part is that it shouldn't be, because we drove to Orlando from near Tampa to see the Blue Man Group and their amazing randomness and talent and ate at Bubba Gump, one of the most random restaurants ever established. Tonight was filled with fun and laughter and randomness. It was amazing.

But something happens when it's dark and quiet, and you put in your headphones and listen to soft music on your iPod.

"My Love" by Sia.

It's from the Eclipse soundtrack. Yeah, I'm a dork, but this song is beautiful.

I don't even know what it's about yet, and it's incredible.

Listen to it and you'll see what I mean.

But now I have nothing to say.

There's so much going on in my head that I can't sleep, and yet I can't type out all that my brain is buzzing about.

Ugh, I'll just type something good anyway.

Life is short.

I don't know if you realize that, or if you've thought about it recently, but it is.

Life is short, precious, and it's the only one you've got.

Sometimes it takes gazing out across the ocean or staring up at the night sky, but you need to be reminded of how small you are.

It's so intimidating and yet so beautiful to fully embrace.

Think about it.

Take a few minutes and just breathe in and out and realize it.

Crazy isn't it?

I think a vacation was exactly what I needed.

Closures & New Beginnings

Here's a summary of camp this year. I found this verse last week and instantly fell deeply in love with it. It's almost as if I wrote it myself, but it was in fact David.

Psalm 73:21-26
"Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant--
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to You.
Yet I still belong to You;
You hold my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
I desire You more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
He is mine forever!"

So many amazing things happened at camp.
My life has been completely turned upside down, making a drastic u-turn from the way it was headed only a few weeks ago. I had just gotten to the point where I didn't care anymore, and it was awful. I had no interest in praying or spending time in God's Word. I didn't even want to go to camp at all, but God obviously had other plans.

God worked on me in many ways. He worked on my patience. He worked on my joy. He worked on the way I love people, and how I express that love. He worked on my pride, and on every weak point I have. Above all other things that He did this week, there's one thing that I still can't get over...

IT'S OVER!
I've forgiven her!
I've let it all go!
I laid all the hurt, the pain, the anger, the bitterness all down at the cross, and I've never felt so free! It's amazing! Sure, it still hurts a little when I think about it, but I don't cringe whenever I see her! I don't hate her anymore, I only wish things had ended differently! The difference is amazing and I'm so happy! How crazy is that?

Sunday was the closure I needed. When I saw everyone from camp again AND worshiped to the song that we sang at camp AND witnessed a sixth baptism, I was hooked.

Father, I'm back.
I'm home.
I'm right here beside You and that's where I want to stay.
I know the road is narrow, and the opposing current is strong, but You're so magnetic and I refuse to let go this time.
I will shine for You and I won't let Your light burn out!
Nothing will stop us now, Father God.
Take this heart and make it Yours forever!

I concede, my Love, that I need Your love
I'm before You, a broken [wo]man
And it's only You, no substitutes, who can renew this soul again...
I feel revived again
I am alive again
Burning for You
You got me lifting and lifting--You lift me up!
I feel revived again
I'm energized again
Burning for You
You got me lifting and lifting--You lift me up!

Needs.

Wow, it's blog time.

That fasting week was...eh.

I feel like I kinda cheated. I picked the week of finals to fast from the internet. Whoop-a-dee-doo! Doesn't everyone fast from the internet during finals week? Or at least, shouldn't they? I didn't do it for God. I did it because I knew I wouldn't have studied otherwise.

I'm not trying hard enough.

In fact, I'm not really putting much effort into at all.

And, funny, I'm the one who's suffering the most from it.

I'm about to dive into something that completely goes against every fiber of my being.

I'm giving up texting for a week.

GASP!! AMY IS DOING WHAT!?

Yeah, you heard me.

I need a Sabbath. A real Sabbath. I need rest. I need rejuvenation. I need silence. Most of all, I need to reconnect with my Abba.

Am I cheating again by making it the week of camp?
Maybe.
But the thing is, when else would I ever be able to do it? God knows I'm already pushing myself way harder than I normally would to give up my phone. I would give it up completely if I wasn't a leader, but restraining from texting, even to my own boyfriend is already a stretch. And with Tyler still in Texas (he's able to text again, thank God!), it'll be even harder to resist. But this is between me and God. I want this more than anything--I want to reconnect with my God again. I want this summer to be like summer of 2008--the closest God and I have ever been--but even better! Even stronger!

Plus, I need to forgive her.

I've held this grudge for so long now, and yet it still feels as if it just happened yesterday. The pain is ridiculously raw, and I want to forgive her and move on with my life, but I can't. It's awful. I want the pain to go away. I've prayed the prayer of forgiveness, but not like I should. I need my Daddy to kiss the tears away. I need my Savior to take the burden from me so that I can be free again. But in order to do that, I need to surrender first.

I need You, Father.

--

I can finally see that You're right here beside me.

I am not my own, for I have been made new.

Please don't let me go.

I desperately need You.

Tonight's the night.

You know what?

I'm coming back to the heart of worship.

Finally.

Tomorrow I'm starting fresh.

A media fast.

No movies.

No TV.

No secular music.

No Facebook/Formspring/social networking.

Just time to get my mind sorted.

My soul mended.

My priorities straightened.

My heart rededicated.

I knew I needed to limit my Facebook time anyway because of all the tests and essays I have due, but this is also my push to see it through completely. Just for that, I may even extend it.

God and I have some wrestling to do.

Me, Myself and I

So I figured it out.

There's actually a whole boat-load of semi-logical explanations for my attitude over the past few weeks. Some have been justified with real life events and circumstances, but some have been seemingly random and unprompted. However, after days and hours of thought as well as outside opinions, I've figured it all out.

1. There's a song lyric that wraps up the first explanation: "Because on and off the clouds have fought for control over the sky. And lately the weather has been so bipolar that consequently so have I." Yep, that's me! That blog I wrote before the last one was on a rainy dreary day when I was alone during the day with no one to talk to.

2. It doesn't take a rocket science to conclude that I'm depressed because of the lack of a desperately important figure: God. I've completely pushed God out of my life. I still pray and I still read the Bible and I still go to church, but I do things I know I should not do and I cry over things that are completely ridiculous because I don't want God's help. Why? I have no idea. But finally, I've come to this horrible realization and it freaks me out to no end.

Because, now what? Do I drop everything and run back to God? What if--I'm an awful person, but I'm being honest when I say this--I don't want to? Then what's wrong with me? Am I going to hell now? Because I don't want to let go of all my junk that's holding me back from truly living the way God wants me to? Because I don't want to let go of the feeling of pain? Am I truly that masochistic? Or am I just that self-absorbed that all I want to do is roll around in self pity and worry about the one person that really matters?

You know what?
I'm going back and bolding all the times I say I, me, self, myself, etc. Let's see how bad the damage really is.

--

Ouch.

I think it's clear what needs to be worked on.

--

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
-