This will probably be a random blog with random thoughts because my ADD is out of control right now because well...I don't really know why, it just is. Plus, no one reads this thing. And when I say no one, I mean that, because nobody cares anymore, and I'm actually okay with that right now because it's gonna get personal.
I'm supposed to be writing an essay on music criticism, which is the reason why I'm not going to college for a major in music. Critiquing music leads to hating music because it then becomes an obligation and a chore. Plus, of course, you have to pick it apart, piece by piece. Music is supposed to be something that one is passionate about--something of value, something that grasps attention doesn't let go. If you turn it into a job, it slowly but surely becomes a task that is required of you, and therefore is no longer as fun. You're obligated, led by guilt and necessity rather than desire.
Here I am sitting in the library with five books on music criticism on my desk, and I have nothing to say.
My passion is gone.
I know that was a crappy metaphor, but I'm not just talking about music here.
I'm basically talking about everything. Especially my faith.
My relationship with Christ has been deteriorating.
Why? What's wrong with me?
I'm slowly turning Jesus into a chore, but in a strange way.
Here's a confession:
I have an ulterior motive for everything.
I'll do anything you ask of me--whatever you want, it's yours--but usually I'll be doing it for some completely selfish reason.
For the most part, it's to make me feel better for myself. That sounds awful, but it's true. It's almost as if I'm trying to grasp a sense of Karma--if I keep helping other people and doing things for others and loving everyone, maybe God can forgive me for all the stuff I'm struggling with. Maybe God can pull me out of this hell I'm living in. Maybe God can just wipe away all the guilt, fear, doubts and depression...if I just do this one more thing...
I'm so ridiculously self-centered and fake that it's not even funny.
I may seem like I have it all together at church or at school, but it's all part of the facade. It's all part of the big act that everyone, even I myself, have fallen for.
How did this happen?
Let me emphasize: I can't stand fake people. I can't stand them. They're so obnoxious and such jokes. I hate being around them because, who are they really?
Are they your best friend, or a complete stranger? [ouch, I can't believe that's still so raw]
How can you tell who's real and who's not?
Isn't everyone putting on a show in some way?
[ random side note ] I think it's also kind of funny that a strange conversation took place at GCYC about what spiritual superpower you would like to have if you could choose one. My first impulse (after the urge to slap the one who asked me) was the ability to be in constant prayer all the time. But later on, my mom and I came up with one that sounded even better, and that would come into such handy--in our lives specifically.
I want Super Discernment.
I want the ability to look at someone and immediately know whether or not I can trust them.
I'll love them either way, but I want the ability to know without a doubt whether that person is real or not. Should I trust this person for who they are now or who they are later? I gotta know.
But since I don't have Super Discernment, who do I trust? How do I know? How can I tell?
Well before I try to pick the speck out of other people's eyes, I'm going to get the gigantic plank out of my eye. [ / random side note ]
I'm not about to sit here and tell you about how much better I've gotten about being real with people since I wrote that blog and prayed that prayer about it. It may be true, but it's not true enough. I want those chains completely gone before I can say that. I still try to get more spiritual than normal when I'm around certain people more than others. I still delve into selfish desires constantly. Like I said, ulterior motives. They work quite well for me because no one has a clue. It's perfect.
Not to be melodramatic, but I honestly don't know who I am anymore.
Which Amy is the real Amy? Is it the super spiritual one? No, because I'd feel joy in my life if I had that relationship. Is it the evil one who won't stop sinning that that's all she'll ever be? Not really that one either, because I actually do love Jesus, and I still want to follow Him, but I'm just stuck. Apathy, Satan, depression and sin have surrounded me like quicksand, and now I'm sinking and I can't get out. Do I gather what little strength I have left and pull myself out? Or do I just give up and sink? Right now, I just don't know.
For the most part, I'm deeply depressed. It's far-reaching, penetrating and heavy. I can barely breathe. There's no motivation, no true passion. I'm only happy when I'm distracted with my loved ones. But when I am alone...it's something completely different.
"Desperate for changing... starving for truth...I'm closer to where I started, chasing after You..."
