Proverbs 3:5

This blog won't be very long.

I don't understand why God still loves me.

Honestly, I don't.

I've just completely turned away from Him these past few months.

Not because I'm living some crazy out-of-control life,
not because I'm completely rebelling against Him,
but I cannot deny that there is a distinct defiance.

I complain constantly about my pain until there is none, then I never thank Him for taking it away.

I indulge in myself until I can't find anything to satisfy me, then I whine that He hasn't given enough.

I cling to people so tightly, and when they let me down, instead of turning to You for comfort, I shout angrily of Your cruelty and unfairness.

I'm so unbelievably selfish.

I relate to so many people in the Bible all at the same time.

I feel like the nation of Israel, betraying God over and over again.
I feel like Jonah, running away in my shame, being swallowed by own huge fish.

I feel like Gomer, constantly prostituting myself to everything and everyone BUT God.

I feel like Peter, denying Jesus with my heart, then hearing a rooster crow of my wickedness.

My God, who have I become?

Why am I treating You this way?

I need You back.

I need my joy back.

Enough putting my hope in people.

Enough putting my faith in myself.

Enough putting my trust in worldly things.

Enough leaning on my own understanding.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart;

Do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek His will in ALL that you do,

and He will show you which path to take."

Help me, Father.

"I need You now.
I need You more than ever before..."

--

January 13, 2010

I can't take this anymore
Is this what this is for?
Tested tried and wasted
Not a single lie I haven't tasted

Is that where I am?
Is this what I've become?
Where are You now?

I don't feel You anymore
I can't see what this is for
This lonely suffocation
For which there's no justification

Are You still there?
Your voice has disappeared
Where are You now?

I couldn't hear You anymore
So that's what this is for
A little blood to numb the pain
Isn't it such a shame?

Are You ever coming back?
I miss Your loving touch
Where are You now?

I won't listen for You anymore
I don't want to know what it's for
Another test for me to fail
No one there to pay my bail

I'm lost
I'm broken
I'm missing
I'm searching
I'm losing
I'm crying
I'm dying...



And in the silence
I hear a sound
A clap of thunder
Rain pours down
I look to the sky
Then fall to the ground

Beloved...
You are mine.
Come back to me
I never left you
Nor will I ever.
Your pain pushed me out
I was always with you
Come back to me

I don't feel the pain anymore
I know now what it was for
Your Love brought me out of the dark
Now it's time for a brand new start