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This is me not able to focus on my math homework.

And this is also me not focused enough to put much thought or effort into writing a read-worthy blog.

And this is how it's been for the past month. I've wanted to come write one, but I either don't have time or I don't have the motivation. Mostly, though, it's just the lack of mental energy.

I'm starting to get apathetic, which I remember reading once that apathy is a sin. And I believe it.

It's also an extremely bad habit to be in. Especially Amy the College Student.

"How He Loves" should be helping me right now, but I feel...nothing.

It's not that I'm depressed.

At least, not anymore.

I have been for the past...week? I think it's been that long...

Yeah, 'cause Tyler left last Tuesday night.

And it's Wednesday.

Yep.

I was depressed, now I'm just emotionless. Lethargic. Blank.

In my defense, it has been a rollercoaster of a month. Mary died, my grandma's dying, David's gone, Tyler's gone, Jackson left for a week, my mom's depressed, my brother's depressed, our church is falling apart, our whole freakin' country is falling apart, she's still being a b word, and I'm just...hanging in there. Somehow or another, I'm still breathing, still existing. So rationally, it makes sense. I'm emotionally drained from the 837438 crises happening in my life, so it makes sense to be "out" of emotion. But I know I shouldn't be like this. I'm a follower of Jesus, dang it. Why don't I feel joy? Why don't I feel peace?

It just all feels so...blank. I don't feel empty, just drained. It's not that I'm lacking Jesus, it's that I'm lacking the energy to actively do stuff for Him. Does that make sense?

God, I'm so selfish.

I'm praying that church tonight will snap me out of this...

I would start saying that there's a wall I've just encountered, but I know that there truly is no wall. I'm just on the verge of something big and Satan's throwing everything he can at me so that I'll just sit here. That's one of my greatest weaknesses: apathy, spiritual laziness. It's a sin, I know. It's also a disease that I just can't seem to escape from. I've struggled with apathy for years, on and off based on my circumstances.

"Hey, Devil, GO ON, get your JUNK out of here, I DON'T NEED YOU!"

Please help me, Father.

GCYC summary (and other random ADD thoughts)

- Slept in my own bed in room with Michaela and Lainie. Awesome!
- The very first session we sang "How He Loves". I started crying.

- "That'll make your butt cheeks tighten."

- Jim Gaffigan quotes. "That is preposterous!" "I didn't come here to be shocked into laughter." "I don't like those religious jokes...they make me uncomfortable..." "Oh he's going to hell for that joke..."

- I saw two girls behaving in a way that shocked me. But then was convicted to stop judging.

- "Oh it's gon' get gooood..."

- "Oh, you know...like...forgiveness..?"

- Rosemary and stage one hypothermia. Oops.

- Pretty much anything Mrs. Laura said = epic win.

More to come later.

I'll think of a good blog topic later.

I think I'm still trying to swallow the fact that I'm free.

Let's do a basic overview of life though because I'm in a very basic-overview kind of mood:

Pros:
"Oh Happiness" by DCB pretty much covers it.

IT'S SPRING BREAK!!!

I passed my math test!

I'm 85% sure I passed both my other exams too! :D

Military ball is next Friday!!

I'm in Atlanta right now with a beautiful view of campus from the library and I can't wait.

Church was amazing last night -- especially after church :)

Jesus loves me! No, seriously He really does and He's working on my heart.

Cons:

I've been missing her again and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

Tyler's leaving in less than 2 weeks.

Matt's depressed and I can't do anything about it.

This is Sternberg's last week. Sunday's his last day. Saturday's his going-away party.

I want to move to Atlanta. NOW.

I'm exhausted.

You know what, I'm just gonna attempt this later.

I'm too ADD and not focused to write a good blog.

Food for thought before I go:
"Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God made you to be. And anything else you do is sin and you need to repent of it."

- Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis